Poem by Kyle

2008-03-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

tiger boy!
roooar, grrr.
he has stripes like a zebra
but orange and black.
he'll eat your fucking throat out
so don't talk no smack.
don't you even know that?

tiger boy!
roooooooar! grrr.
he has eyes like smouldering embers
except that he hates and embers do not.
his meaty paws will swipe you
and open the flood gates of your belly.
love like his cannot be bought.

belly belly, flowing out between your fingers
warm and slick like giant noodles
pouring and slopping from a colander
onto a plate.
to be eaten with meat sauce.
by tiger boy.

ROAR!

Hello: Haiku #1

2008-03-04T10:06:00.002-08:00

Hello I missed you
I've been gone a long time now
I still love tigers

Heinous Act, The First

2006-11-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

As you know I've been deep in this story for a while, undercover and whatnot. I've surfaced to bring you an update: The Gentleman Tiger Brigade is making excellent progress in their campaign for Justice. It's now safe for me to begin revealing the seven crimes that these classy critters are sacrificing their lives to prevent.

The first crime can be summed up in one word: Avacados. What foul act is more heinous than charging for a condiment? Guacamole is meant to be with nachos the way gum is meant to be under tables, and INTERPOL feels it's wrong to charge for something so dandy.

It's just the way it is. Is it any wonder that these INTERPOL cats are clocking overtime? Thats right, Chintzy pub owners beware: the GTB is on your case.

Say goodbye to $3 green stuff. Thanks to your furry friends at the UN, All nachos will soon include guacamole.

Some news you may have missed

2006-08-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Late last week, member nations from around the world convened in Geneva for the 2006 Conference on Crimes against Humanity, or GenCrimCon06. Much was decided. There was an official declaration of seven terrible "crimes against humanity". Suspects of these crimes will be hunted by a brand new division of Interpol.

These brave souls are known as the Gentleman Tiger Brigade.

Though they benifit from all the latest training and equipment Interpol has to offer, their greatest weapon is class.

The seven UCAH (UN Crimes against humanity) will be discussed over the next little while. As I seem to be the only one covering this huge piece of news, I'll do my best to keep you updated on the Gentleman Tiger Brigade's fight for justice as well.

Correspondence

2006-07-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

2006-04-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

2006-01-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

~OH YEAH!~

Several things you didn't know about me

2006-01-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

1. I wrote the song 'Tight Fittin' Jeans' made famous by Conway Twitty.

2. I was born under the name Wifred Nonas Marmillion. I later changed my name due to bad gambling debts.

3. The standard scientific unit of measure for magneto-fluctuation resistance is named the BMc in honour of my achievements in the field.

An Interview with my friend Trevor, who is a Space Flower

2005-11-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

I recently took a quick trip over to Vancouver to have a visit with Trevor, who you may be familiar with, at least in an electronic sense. A drink or two were had and an interview was conducted. A deep and revealing interview.

Blake I'm here tonight chatting with Trevor Record, famed of the 'Everything I Do and Say is Right' blog, the recently founded Space Program and formerly of the Rolling Stones.

Trevor Indeed yes, all three are true.

BlakeHow are you tonight Trevor.

Trevor Decent.

Blake Great. My first question tonight. How have your ducks been?

Trevor I can't say that I've owned any ducks, all of mine are stolen, so they've been pretty good.

Blake Fair enough. I don't know what more I could expect of that. Allright, well let's say you were implicated in a money laundering scandal. Do you think this would damage or aid your attempts at world domination?

Trevor I think it would make me sort of a folk hero in the eyes of the peiople. Therefore I think it would further my goals of creating a new world order in wich the Space Program is the primary goal of humanity.

Blake I see. Would that lead to money laundering being more of a noble profession, or would it still remain a crime in that sort of future?

Trevor It would remain a crime because people would recognise that I was doing it for the continuation of the Space Program, most do it for greedy reasons.

Blake Fair enough. Allright, who would you rather see in concert, the Pixies or the Go! Team?

Trevor Hmmm. I've seen The Pixies twice, however The Go! Team seem to refuse to come over to the west coast, so I'd rather see the Go! Team. It would sort of break down boundaries for me.

Blake Great. Why dont you tell us somthing about yourself that you've held secret until this point.

(long pause)

Trevor hmm. I've never watched a televised news broadcast from beginning to end in my entire life. I've always just watched the first bit and turned it off when it got to the boring part.

Blake Thats really fucking amazing actually, I really can't believe that. What is your blood type Trevor Record?

Trevor O positive.

Blake Are you positive?

Trevor Yes, I donate blood very often.

Blake If you were trapped in a room with no food, would you attempt to eat your own poo?

(long pause)

Trevor Next question.

Blake Allright, well our final question of the night; what comes to mind when I say the word 'cholam'?

Trevor I think of the choda of a lamb

Blake Good call. I was about to tell you to keep in mind that I made that word. but that's an excellent conclusion to come to, sort of a conjoined word. Maybe a freudian slip on my part... I do like lambs. Have a good night Trevor.

Another Space Program Logo

2005-11-11T00:41:00.000-08:00

Check it.. what does everyone think?

Space Program Logo: Revisited

2005-11-08T23:04:00.000-08:00

After viewing Trevor's sad offerings for a logo for the Space Program, I felt it my duty to submit an entry myself. Behold!

I could change it in just about any way, sol leave any suggestions you may have and I'll try them out.

Poetry in Motion

2005-10-30T22:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this is my follow up letter in pursuit of a job. Keep in mind several things; It is the Videogame industry, where creativity is a commodity, and this letter follows a theme established earlier in the (potential) employer/ (potential) employee dance. Honestly, what do you think? fantastic? poor verse? silly presentation? I just want to feel things out a bit before I send it in.

An interview with my friend Jon, who is a vampire surfer

2005-10-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Recorded live at my house, the evening of October 23rd. Now transcribed for your reading pleasure.

Blake: Okay this is an interview with Jon Wesley, a good friend of mine, who also happens to be a vampire surfer.
My first question tonight Jon, what is your blood type?

Jon: O, man! woah

Blake: Okay that's great. Blood type O. Do you surf?

Jon: Do I surf? Jesus Christ man, what the fuck? Yeah... shark!

Blake: And you are a vampire, correct?

Jon: Yes! (laughing, pause) Man!

Blake: Mmm. What's your favorite vegetable Jon?

(Long, awkward silence)

Blake: Moving on then.
Tell me something about yourself that most people probably don't know.

Jon: I enjoy satsuma. It is a very pleasant smell.

Blake: What is satstuma?

Jon: Satsuma is an orange, tangerine, zesty fragrance. It's very delicious and pleasant to the nose.

Blake: Aren't vampires, well, allergic to citrus?

Jon: No. That's actually a very common misconception. We vampires appreciate really pleasant, really fragrant smells

Blake: I'm thinking of my mom actually. My mom is allergic to citrus.

Jon: Oh, yeah..

Blake: Anyways, MC Hammer. Thoughts?

Jon: Oh. Where is MC Hammer? When is he planning his comeback? I did see him. No wait, that was Arsenio Hall. Where is MC Hammer?

Blake: Vanilla Ice?

Jon: Oh yeah, he did come back for his little tour, but I think Ice needs to stay dead.

Blake: Next question: what's your problem?

Jon: My Problem? My problem is I need some puddy.

Blake: Fair enough.

Jon: But that's okay I can work on that. It's work in progress.

Blake: Do you ever drink the blood of human surfers, or only non-surfing humans?

Jon: All humans are fair game, I also dine on swine.

Blake: Granted! (laughing)

You know that movie 2001: A Space Odyssey? What the fuck was that all about?

Jon: I'm sorry Dave, I can't answer that.

Blake: Neither can I unfortunately.
Well that's all for tonight, that your very much for the interview Jon.

Jon: No problem, anytime.

Work in progress

2005-10-23T01:37:00.000-07:00

A note to anyone who see's the blog today: WORK IN PROGESS. What a fucking sea-change. The fresh woody look is shaping up nice. It'll hopefully be done sometime today. God damn HTML is such a mystery to me. It might as well be hungarian. It's basically a trial and error proccess of finding which of the 300% "AHREF DHTML IMGSRC 78rns" files I need to replace to get the effect I'm looking for. what a pain in the ass. Oh well, it'll be worth it when it's done I suppose.

Relaunch!

2005-10-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, and it's time for a fresh start. Hot Shit will be relaunching over the next couple of days, starting with a new look. Look for regular posts to begin shortly. The topics will remain the same I'm sure, but the blog is gonna look nicer, I promise. RELAUNCH!

Fucky in: Fuck!

2005-08-17T23:38:00.000-07:00

The Escape

2005-08-17T22:33:00.000-07:00

I know I'm bad, but tell me anyways.

I do have an excuse: The Flow. I am happy to report that I'm now free of the clutches of this dastardly cult, as this picture proves.

It was a daring escape, many days in the planning. Not all of us made it, but some of us did and that's what's important.

You see, that's the thing about cults. They suck you in with promises of glory and dashing athletic uniforms. It's only after you join and give up all your worldly possessions that you learn the truth.

I spent my days making cheap jewelry for export to California. Well no more!

The Flow

2005-08-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

Boy are you lucky! The elder council of THE FLOW has gracefully allowed me to post a pic for your enjoyment. Pictured is myself and two other members of THE FLOW enjoying the late afternoon sun on the fringes of our secret compound. Consider yourself warned: the awesomeness of our cult may just blow your socks clean off. Here we are.

My Happy Discovery

2005-07-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering why I haven't posted to my blog in a while. Honestly I can hardly stand to be away, as I love posting so. Unfortunatley, it is one of THE FLOW's strict cardinals that all new brothers of worship are forbidden communication with outsiders for the first two weeks. Now that I have completed my initiation rights, I am free to converse with others, as long as I maintain the principles of THE FLOW.

It's not that I mind most of the rules. In fact I believe fully in the law as set down by SHARSHALA, our dear father. Sometimes though, the dress code does feel a bit restrictive. Also, I wish I was alowed to talk to my family. Only to explain to them how wonderful life is with THE FLOW of course. SHARSHALA willing, I will complete the Thirteen Trials, and be allowed to resume working. THE FLOW fulfills all my worldly needs, but it would be nice to be able to buy a soda or somthing when we go on one of our day trips into town.

Family History: Part 3

2005-07-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

This is my Uncle David and my Aunt Louise.

Yes, they are flipping you the bird. This is because they are badass bikers. My Uncle David would say to you, "Fuck you eh?" while Aunt Louise would chime in, "Eh, fuck you!" (She's Quebecois.) They drink and smoke incessantly.
There is nothing you could do to prevent this onslaught of insulting behavior. In fact, they may even throw empty beer cans at you. Why? Because they are badass bikers!!!

This pair makes a huge contribution to why my family is so cool, and why I myself am so cool.

Family History: Part 2

2005-07-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

This is Phibus the Danger Shadow Duck. He is my favorite cousin. But not for real! I actually just made him up.
There are dangers associated with being a Shadow Danger Duck. If it would please you, the reader to see Phibus meet his end, please let me know. Fucky told me he would take care of it. If you feel otherwise, tell me that as well. Should Phibus live or die?

I hope my strangeness amuses you, because I'm sort of creeping myself out for your sake.

Family History: part 1

2005-07-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

I suppose you are wondering how I came upon my great store of wickedocity. This curiosity is normal, even healthy.
I begin this evening, a series exploring the roots of coolness that run deep in my family tree. All avenues of hipness will be explored in time.
To begin with I present you with my fourth-great grandfather on my mothers side, Sir John A. MacDonald, the first Prime Minister of Canada. Perhaps to the untrained eye the man on the left looks anything but cool.

This may be because you don't know the history of Canada.
It may also be because the historians got it all wrong. Papa John was not a black and white man like this picture would lead you to believe. He wasn't even black and purple like on the (Canadian) ten dollar bill. Papa John was known to his contemporaries as the swingin' psychedelic prime-eval minister.
John A. MacDonald was a master of all things fun. Granted, in those days there wasn't that much fun to be had... But he was the master of it all. Parties, absinthe, opium... Papa John was legendary. Cool? Depends on your opinion I suppose. If you disaree then your opinion is wrong-o.
Papa John was the bestest.

Artists' Rendition of the TRUE "Papa" Sir John "Eh" MacDonald:

I LOVE YOU SIR PAPA!!!

Well then!

2005-07-02T03:13:00.000-07:00

I appreciate that you are reading my blog. I do.

Weel, tonight was a musical awakening of sorts. Myself and a number of my close friends hold Toto's'Africa ' in high regard. Why? Well the distinctly 80's melodrama really appeals to us on some level I suppose.
One problem.
Tonight I listened to 'Africa' while quite drunk and appreciated it on a whole different level. The dranken level.
That's right, I no longer saw melodrama, I saw DRAMA!!! "Kilaminjaro rising above the Serengheti " meant something to me. I love Toto. Immediately afterwards I listened to Thomas Bangalters' "Ventura/Into the Tunnel". There seems to be no permanent damage, from either song.

Hot Shit, (Truly 1.5)

2005-06-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well, some changes over here at Hot Shit HQ. You may have noticed the addition of Fucky reclining at the top of the page. I wanted people to see him right away so they know that they're gonna be cursed at.
Less Obvious is the change to the links over on the side of the page. No longer do my links lead to boring and irrelevant things. The section is now blog centric. Boring and irrelevant blogs maybe, but blogs none the less. These blog links will probably not stay the same; I plan to add new ones that crack me up or I find compelling, and at the same time remove links to ones I'm no longer interested in.

But who gives a shit right? Fucky does.
Right Fucky! That brow is Furrowed.

Field Guide to Berries

2005-06-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

Due to popular demand, I present you with my field guide to berries. This lists the common types of berries and their relative features. Enjoy.

The Strawberry

Taste: strawberries can be delicious, but store-bought ones often suck. Look for a deep red colour when selecting.
Origins: The first strawberries were created in a lab by fusing wild straw with new taste sensations.
Habitat:These tasty morsels are most often found in old ladies gardens. Be careful not to disturb the old lady when you are picking the berries, she may call the police. They can also be found in the grocery store. Be very discreet when eating these ones as well, as the staff may find you out and call the police.

The Raspberry

Taste: My personal favorite. They taste like sunshine on a cloudy day. They are also a favorite of birds, so always give some to your favorite bird to avoid bad Karma.
Origins:According to ancient Chinese lore, Raspberries were created when Odin accidentally cut of his baby toe. The severed toe fell to the earth in the form of a Raspberry, which then spread across the earth.
Habitat:Raspberries are found mostly in China, but in the heavens also. It is said that Ghengis Khan originally invaded China for their Raspberries. In contemporary times, there are domesticated Raspberries found throughout the world. This displeases Odin however, which is why he invented country music.

The Hotdogberry

Taste: Much like the commercial 'Hot Dog' that is made up of ground hotdogberries, the berry itself has an extremely salty, meaty flavor. Many compare them to a Strawberry made of pork by-products and brine, but I think that comparison is silly and without merit.
Origins: Hotdogberries have existed since the beginning of recorded time. They are depicted in many cave paintings and were heavily studied by Leonardo DaVinci for their buoyant properties. They are also supposed to be something of a herbal remedy. Celtic priests would often boil them into a tea to cure carpal tunnel syndrome.
Habitat: These grow in mostly arid, subtropical climes. They are found in greenhouses throughout the world.

The Blueberry

Taste: Blueberries taste like dirt, they are the filthy diaper of berry flavors. To eat one is to know what satan's sweat tastes like. Do not eat them.
Origins: Blueberries first appeared shortly after the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in Soviet Russia. It is widely speculated that they were a strain of stinging nettle that reacted to the nuclear fallout, creating these blue monstrosities. Blueberries cause cancer. Again, do not eat them.
Habitat: The blueberry bush grows in the gutters of the world, stinking up drainage and clogging the earth like a choking weed.

The Blackberry

Taste:Generally inedible, but alright boiled. I would describe the taste as vaguely plasticy. The texture is something like that of a computer mouse, another delicacy when boiled.
Origins: A berry that first appeared in Canada. It is believed to have been created through hybridization of the Raspberry bush and the Oak tree. The juice of blackberries may have applications in medicine, its potential is currently under study at the university of Brantord.
Habitat: They grow wild in many urban environments, and seem to thrive in stuffy buildings with recycled air. They are very expensive and are usually sold individually rather then by the pound; the standard unit for most other berry sales.

I hope this guide comes in handy to you, reader. I know it has helped me through many sticky situations over the years.

Captain Danger Amoeba

2005-06-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

I originally decided this was just too stupid to post.
Upon further consideration I decided it was too stupid not to post.

Here you go, Captain Danger amoeba.

He is a superhero, obviously. He can't speak or think, so he doesn't do much hero work, but you should watch out for his incredible 'Radioactive Gumdrop Punch'.

Contest Winner

2005-06-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Trevor was the first to guess correctly

Angela guessed Advance Wars not Advance Wars 2, Sorry.

Kyle guessed correctly as well, but with a questionable stab at humour. Even if he didn't steal the link from Trevor, It was really supposed to be your own humour, rather than a link to a humorous website.

So without further ado, Trevor wins!
You prize is a beautiful Ms. Pac-Man TV game, you plug it directly into your TV and it melts your mind with videogames!

Please email me your mailing address Trevor, so I can get this off to you before the real owner discovers my plot.

#1- Advance Wars 2: Black Hole Rising

2005-06-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

I know I've been bad.

I know people probably don't even care anymore becuase of said badness.

That said, my number one game of all time is Advance Wars 2. Somthing very important to note about this game is That I probably would never even have given it a chance if it hadn't been on the Gameboy. It's simply not the kind of game I would ever spend the time on at home. The gameplay is perfectly suited to the bus however, and that's were I fell in love with this game.

Four player.... Imagine chess with four people, but chess with bombs and tanks and other fun stuff like that.

Fucky is right into the gae this time. Right into it.

Thats his CO power, it makes your opponent poo their pants.

Labouring sucks

2005-06-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

Read headline, repeat.

P.S. It also blows

P.P.S. only two more days of this shit. Also, Just to let everyone know the final post of my countdown will be up on saturday, so read the previous post and keep on guessing!

Me so solly....

2005-06-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid the #1 post will be delayed, probably by a few days. Things are going crazy here at Hot Shit HQ. I worked twelve hours today.

To make it up to you fine folks, we will be having a little contest. This contest will have a prize! A real prize mind you, that will be mailed to the winner.
To enter, you must post a comment guessing what my #1 game is. The comment must also make me laugh, because I need laughs right now.

RULES:
-one guess per comment.

-You must wait until at least one other person has guessed to guess a second time.

-Whomever guesses correctly first has the best chances of winning. I do, however, reserve the right to award the prize to a later comment if it is funnier.

-Sorry sweetheart, you're disqualified. I told you what the answer is already ;)

#2- Katamari Damacy

2005-06-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

Nana na na na na na, na na na nana, nananananana nana na naaaa na na!

Katamari Damacy was a breath of fresh air. Everything about it exuded new and unique ideas. More specifically, new and unique Ideas that didn't suck.

Many games present the player with new elements. What made this game such a rare treat is that it was all new. The drug-innuendo filled story, the stylized graphics, and of course the gameplay.
you are the prince of the cosmos. Using your ball shaped 'Katamari' you must roll around earth picking up junk to make new stars. You are also about three inches tall. This is a recipe for fun. As your ball of junk becomes bigger, so do your targets. Candies turn to staplers, staplers to pets, pets to small children, children to adults and so on, until the final stages where you begin to lift whole islands out of the ocean.

If uniqueness was the only criteria for a good game this list would look a lot different. The fact is, Katamari Damacy is one of the most fun games ever created. In fact, its the second most fun game ever, as far as I'm concerned.

The music in this game is something else. Though much of it is in Japanese, the whimsy can be felt universally. Everything from Jazz to tribal percussion to cosmic disco is represented, only filtered through the lens of some mad Japanese composer. I highly suggest music fans look this soundtrack up, even if you have no interest in the game itself.

Fucky's back in costume, this time imitating the young prince of the cosmos.

Put a little enthusiasm into it next time, idiot.

#3- Ikaruga

2005-06-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

Top down shooters are dead, and I'm okay with that. It doesn't bother me because there was no point in trying after Ikaruga. This game is the pinnacle of a genre, the game that all other shooters were trying to be.
What makes this game so special is it's precision. Each foe, each laser blast was placed in the game with thought; Thought to its effect on the game as a whole and to its effect on the player's ability to complete the game perfectly. That's right, perfectly. You can beat the game any way you like, but the meticulous level design allows not one but two predetermined courses that not only lead you flawlessly through the game, but also make you look like a real hot shot(to nerds only).

Oh, one of the two perfect ways to beat the game doesn't require firing a single shot by the way. ;)

Completing the game this way is almost like a martial art. Actually, completing the game at all is a real achievement. Ikaruga is ruthlessly tough. It's also addictive; It's one of the few games that can keep me up late at night, searching for the state of Zen required to master it.
In fact, I leant Fucky the game to try out, so he could come up with a costume and he hasn't come out of his room for almost three days. Maybe we should check on him.

Fucky?
Oh dear lord.

Time for a some sleep I think. ;)

#4- Burnout 3: Takedown

2005-06-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

Burnout the first was a good game. Burnout the second was a great game. Burnout 3 is the fourth best game of all time.

Have you ever crashed in a racing game and been disappointed by your stupid car just coming to a stop? Burnout is the answer! The fiery wrecks are so absolutely over the top that I often find myself cringing during a nasty pileup. Did I say cringing? I meant laughing with glee.

The non crashing elements are superb as well. You have a nitro meter that can only be filled by risky driving such as driving in oncoming traffic, near-misses with other vehicles, and causing your opponents to crash. As often as not, this risky driving leads to more crashing, which leads to more glee.
Whilst you are having fun racing, you are racking up points that unlock new tracks and cars. Not a bad deal, considering the blast you're having in the process. The amount of things to be unlocked is staggering, there are dozens of cars and at least 70 racing events.
Though I'm not generally one to consider this much of a selling point, it must be said; Burnout 3 is a gorgeous game. Even the inferior PS2 version is stunning.
Aside from the load times, there isn't much that I can bitch about. I guess that means the top three games must be really really good. ;)

Fucky, you're off the team. We've found a new driver who is willing to avoid running over pedestrians.

What a compelling argument! Fine, you stay then.

#5- Wario Ware: Mega Party Game$

2005-06-09T15:02:00.000-07:00

If this was a list of the best party games ever, Wario Ware would win hands down. There is simply no better way to occupy your hands between beers(in public).
The game is comprised of a series of ultra-short "micro games" wound up into larger competitions. The one pictured, 'Wobbly Bobbly', has your characters balancing on top of ever increasing stacks of upside down turtles between the microgames. Win a micro game and your opponents get another turtle.
Yeah the game is a blast, but almost as importantly it is really weird. You will pick noses, you will park cars! These are among the hundreds of strange tasks that this game somehow makes fun.

This game is a sequel to a gameboy game released about a year prior. It has since spawned two more Wario Ware games, but none that feature the multiplayer that this release has. Why? I wish I could tell you: The single player mode is fun, but it sure blows compared to the multiplayer.

Some people don't respect your opinion Fucky! Some people think your are contrived bullshit!

Exactly!

#6- Battlefield 1942

2005-06-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

*The fucky illustration is up for the Rampart post now. Take a gander below*

Another first-person shooter... Another game that has sapped countless hours of my life. Not just any part of my life either; my academic life. Trevor can back me up on this, because the same is true for him.
Vehicles! Tanks! Fucking airplanes! What a time. Everything about this game rocked. It may not have been realistic, but it was funlistic to the max.
For those of you who haven't played, the premise: You control a WW2 soldier who may take control of military vehicles or take to war on foot. Your objective is to capture territory from your opponents. Everything in the game is controlled by other human players around the world. Every Cannon, every bomber, every submarine. Hot shit indeed.

Yes this game is better than Goldeneye. It is simply more fun to play with 24 people than it is to play with 4. I also appreciated the unintended things you could come up with. For example, we would often load a jeep with explosives and ram it into a tank. Of course, the driver would die in the explosion, but it was worth it for the humour alone.

I'm ready for battle! Lock and load partner!

Ha! (that's a cigar by the way...)

#7- Rampart

2005-06-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

Another classic.... this list is starting to make me feel old! Rampart seamlessly combined two very different types of gameplay into one experience. The castle building phase was much like a traditional puzzle game, while the battles were all about blowing the shit out of your opponents meticulously crafted fortress. Oh yeah, it was three player as well!

This was also one of the few arcade games to make great use of a trackball. Once you became comfortable using it the control was almost flawless.

You may be wondering if I have some sort of fascination with building games. The truth is that I'm beginning to wonder the same thing myself. Not really though, just wait 'till you see whats in store for the remainder of my list.

What about it Fucky? A round of Rampart maybe?

Maybe not.

PS thank you to everyone who has been commenting recently. I really do appreciate seeing that people are actually reading this garbage ;)

#8- Goldeneye 007

2005-06-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64 was a breakthrough in many ways. It was the first great first-person shooter on a console. It was one of the first game to not suck automatically due to its movie license It was the first game to challenge players to a tremendous degree with unlockable bonuses, and it was the first game to make my eyes bleed with fatigue.
To this day, I have probably spent more time with this game than any other single title. The single player game rocked, and the multiplayer was even better. My father, brother next-door neighbour and myself would spend hour after hour, day after day in multiplayer shooting the hell out of each other. Good times!

unfortunately, This old horse really shows it's age. What would now be considered major framerate issues now were par for the course in 3D games when this title came out. It's not unplayable, but it's certainly hard on the brain at times.

I'll always love you Goldeneye...

He takes his martinis fucked, not stirred.

#9- Bridge Builder

2005-06-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

While not the best game of all time, I would call Bridge Builder the ninth greatest game I have ever played. Perhaps my judgment is clouded by how fresh the game is in my mind, but hey, that's too bad.

Whats so great about it? Bridge Builder allows you to build. Who doesn't like creating things? This is a game more fun than any stupid building toys you had as a kid. Here you go, build. Like Lemmngs, it's also pretty fun when you loose. It's a thrill watching it all come crashing down.
Unfortunately this game has some serious problems that kept if from ranking higher on my list. First, the interface is just terrible. Why would anyone in their right mind put menu options over top of a grid... And make them the same colour? Jesus. Second, the game is too short. Granted, you can replay it endlessly trying to come up with different designs, but more variety would have been nice.
Despite these flaws, I found the game captivating enough to stick it on my list of favorite games of all time.

Hows that bridge coming along Fucky?

Well then!

#10- Lemmings

2005-06-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else remember this game? It was probably the first game I ever played that seriously challenged me to any sort of logical thought. I appreciated the gradual increase in difficulty and the extreme creativity applied in the level design.
It never hurts that the stars of your game are charming as well. Even with the oh, say 12 pixels that made up a lemming, the artists still managed to get you attached to the little buggers.

This game captured my imagination, as I'm sure it did for many other people as well. I was extremely pleased to find a decent version playable over the net. Check it out here, and decide if you agree with its inclusion in this list.

Of course, due to popular demand Fucky will also throw in his two cents regarding each game on this list. To get into the spirit of things, he will also dress in an appropriate costume for each post.
I gave him the list ahead of time in order for him to be able to prepare the costumes. I think he's gonna be putting a lot of work into these, so you all better enjoy.

Thanks Fucky, the was depth of your insight was truly moving.

Correction and Announcement

2005-06-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

So, Bridge Builder is good, but it's not the greatest game of all time. It got me thinking however. What is the greatest game ever? Beginning tomorrow I will answer that question as I begin a series of daily posts counting down my top ten favorite video games. Of course, I can only judge games I've played myself... So if your favorite is not included, consider that. Also consider that I may just think your favorite game sucks.

okay, so this is it

2005-06-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

Best gameplay ever (I'm drunk) award goes to: Bridge Builder!!!!!!

Worst user interface award ever(not that drunk) goes to: Bridge Builder!!!!!!

On a somewhat related note, I finally bothered to figure out how to add links to the text of my blog entry's. Watch out world!
So I'm totally stoked. I'm going over to Vancouver for a few days this month. Not only do I get to see a radical concert, I get to visit with friends I haven't seen in a while. Maybe a peace offering will be presented between myself and the owner of, "everything i do and say is right: don't listen to anything Unless it comes from me."
Or maybe not... we'll see.

Here's the plan

2005-05-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

My brother is dating a very nice girl, who happens to be Japanese. She's a good shit; though I'm sure that 90% of our jokes fly right over her head, she puts up with us anyways. Oh, and she can play poker too.
My bro is going to Japan with her in August. I believe they are going to Japan City, the capital of Japan. It's an ancient walled city on the top of mount Japan, which is the one you see on all the post cards.
So it's time for a survey. My bro wants to know what to bring me back as a souvenier. Any Ideas?
Oh here's Fucky, getting into the spirit of things as usual:

Public Service Announcement

2005-05-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

Just A quick note from Fucky about having your pets spayed or neutered:

And there you have it folks.

Galloping Goose Odyssey

2005-05-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

I took a walk yesterday. A long walk. In Victoria we have a trail called the Galloping Goose that extends from the boonies of Sooke right to the fringes of downtown Victoria. The whole trail is 60k, but I only walked about 16k of that. I am very sunburned and my legs are very sore. Would I do it again? No.
In other news, some advice... Check you email as often as you can, just in case. I could have save myself this walk and got to spend the evening with my favorite person if only I'd checked my stupid messages.
As it happened, I watched the new Star Wars. While not terrible, the gap in quality between the amazing effects and the awful awful dialogue is really quite striking. I don't know if I've ever heard more fake sounding words, even from American President George W. Bush. The fight sequences were impressive as well, its just too bad there weren't a few less of them, and a few more minutes spent explaining and expanding on the motives behind the actions.
At least it wasn't as bad as the two previous ones.

advance wars ds update

2005-05-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

looks like another new unit. Not sure if this brute is a replacement for the neo-tank or if its an even stronger vehicle. It's name roughly translates to 'grand tank' apparently.

Oh, I'm talking about the blue tank on the right by the way.

Advance Wars: Dual Strike

2005-05-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

There are many things I would like to post about right now, But the new Advance Wars game trumps all other topics. Yes, I enjoy the games that much. I'd like to start by going through and describing everything we know about the game, followed by speculation by myself.

The game's final name is Advance Wars: Dual Strike. This is not only a clever play on the 'DS' name of the system, it also has somthing to do with gameplay. You will be able to have two CO's in some situations who can combine powers for a super 'dual strike' move. Also, some missions will take place in two seperate battlezones simultaneously, each displayed on its own screen. This would also require a dual strike of sorts I suppose.
The touch screen will be used to move troops on the map. You can also use the standard d-pad is you prefer. It is unknown how else the touch screen will be used, but it's safe to assume you'll be able to use it for menu navigation as well.
Eight player games will be possible, compared to four in AW2. As much as I wish this meant three new armies (in addition to the current Orange Star, Blue Moon, Green Earth and Black Hole), It seems more likely that it will be teams of two, each team representing one of the nations, perhaps able to combine their powers for the previously mentioned 'dual strike'. Oh, and this eight player support can be either the 'pass-and-play' style of old, or eight DS's, with only one copy of the game. Sweet.
There will be new CO's, this much is confirmed by the few screenshots released so far. As far as new units, well check out these shots:

This clearly shows an Aircraft Carrier. Radical. I would safely guess that this will be slow moving, able to transport/ refuel aircraft of all types, defend against air units (as shown in the shot) and probably be very vulnerable to subs. This could be a very useful unit, probably very expensive too. It would certanly extend the strategy involved in fighting an air campaign, and tie the air/naval battles together more closely. Cool, eh?

Here we have what appears to be a dual purpose fighter/bomber. Can we say 'super-premium'? Combining the abilities of the fighters and a bomber could potentially unbalance the air-war, unless they charge huge for it. I have every faith in Intelligent Systems (the developer), and I'm sure they know what they're doing. This is all very exciting.
The game is scheduled for release in Japan on June 23rd, and North America on November 9th. This is too long to wait for me, I'm importing the shit out of this game. I'll post any new details I find because, well, I really give a shit. Oh, speaking of giving a shit, what do you think of this game Fucky?

oh Fucky.....

Relative Asthetics

2005-05-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

Now that all three of the next-gen systems have been unvieled, I thought I would do a little comparison. Now, I'm sure you could spend about three seconds and find comparisons on the various system's performance, launch titles etc. So rather than boring you with any of that, I'll compare them the way 90% of world will, based on appearance only:

Clockwise from top: Playstation 3, Nintendo Revolution and Xbox 360. You will notice that all three look stupid. This is because the people that design these things are 40+ and wear their baseball caps backwards on their heads. They probably frequently say, 'Radical dude!' as well.
The PS3 is the most futuristic coffin look-alike I've ever seen. Its a fucking space coffin. At least they have the metallic finish going for them.
The new Xbox looks like a PC. At least MS isn't trying to hide the fact anymore. Whats with the oversized power button you ask? Well according to MS its not just a power button, its also "the gateway to the next-generation of games and entertainment. Surrounding it is the Ring of Light". Holy shit, why do people say things like that?
The Revolution looks like Nintendo trying to look like everyone else, except a generation behind. Oh, and its not square. Idiots.
Notice how not one of them has a top suitable for piling other things on? This is because each company wants you to have their console at the top of your entertainment stack.

Lets ask Fucky, my blog's official mascot what he thinks of the new generation of game consoles:

Oh Fucky! you think that about everything, silly!

2005-05-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

Picked this up at the grocery store...

enough said.

Mascot!

2005-05-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

Well, my blog has a mascot now.
Does your Blog have a mascot Trevor? NO.

Introducing Fucky the Swearing Doodle:

Fucky will be appearing occasionally to add his opinion to whatever he feels like.

My Mom's Alcohol-iday

2005-05-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

My Mom came back from Ontario yesterday. Although she was happy to be back, I got the distinct feeling she was disappointed that her immediate family's lives did not collapse in her absence. Her first question off the plane was "are you guys starving, did you eat when I was gone?" Keep in mind she was gone eight days.
When we arrived back at the house, she let out a sigh when she saw that it was still standing and also spotless. In a way I think she wishes that we were eight years old still.

Ah, my extended family! Mom was visiting her relatives back there, and boy did she come back with some stories. Though I've been out there several times, I was never really old enough to realize that my aunts and uncles constant pounding of 'grown-up drinks' translated into anything more than unquenchable thirst.
As my mom puts it, they are all alcoholics.

Example: my mom was picked up by her sister Sue on Thursday. They went straight back to Sue's house and commenced drinking. (Actually continued, for everyone but my mom) And drank late into the night. My mom got up at 8:30 Friday morning. Aunt Sue was already on the couch with a beer. When my mom asked her about it she replied, "oh sorry, want one? They're in the fridge."

Just in case you thought this might be an exception rather than the rule, let me enlighten you. This pattern continued for the entire trip with the following exception: About dinner time, when Sue's belly became too full of beer she would switch to rum. Until morning that is, when she would return to the Old Milwaukee.

Aunt Sue was typical of all my moms brothers and sisters apparently: A chain smoking alcoholic. Except for my uncle David: the over-the-hill biker alcoholic, and Uncle Jamie: the fat family man-alcoholic.

You don't even want to hear about my Dads side of the family

PS my mom is NOT an alcoholic... she was pretty disgusted with her siblings actually.

Get your AmortizatiON

2005-05-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well, the new Xbox system comes out this holiday season by the looks of it. What a tremendous expense it is to get a new system when it comes out, rather than waiting for the price to drop. A great expense that is, until you learn about amortization! The greatest of accounting principles!
It works like this: if you have a capital expense of say, $500 dollars, you would estimate the useful life of the item (lets say five years until the next next Xbox). Then, you record on your books an Xbox expense in each period for that periods share of it! Magic! This doesn't mean your paying by installments or anything, just that you are more accurately alloting the capital expense for the sake of honest financial reporting.
$500/5 = $100 $100/12= $ 8.33! $8.33 a month! Hot shit!
ANYways, I will probably get the new system, though I was not an Xbox owner this generation. To say that I'm jealous of the Xbox Live service would be an understatment. I covet it.

Don't you love goddanm accounting? I do.

Fuck, Camping, Fuck!

2005-05-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

back from camping in the boonies. What pure, sunshine addled joy. Booze addled as well. The camping spot was on a beach several miles long. There was one other camper the whole time, otherwise we had the place to ourselves. Oh, we were also about 100 metres from the most poverty ridden, destitute community I've ever seen, not that it bothered us.

In fact,
Have you ever heard of the West Coast Trail? World famous I assure you. Did you know that the south trailhead leaves from this place? This place by the way is the Pacheedaht Reserve at Port Renfrew. It's sad, and all the more so becuase when I think of hikers, I think of people who at least pretend to give a shit, if not actually giving shit. Yet, who's ever heard of this really fucking unfortunate situation.

I swear, it looks like surrey or somthing.

Anyways, rant. Bottom line, fun stuff this camping. I was sunburned. Only thing that would have made it better would have been the girlfriend. Oh, and my bro's japanese honey started copying his foul language. Hillarious I assure you.

Last Post

2005-04-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

The 'wall' pun was intentional, assholes.

Pink Floyd

2005-04-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems that often a 'wall' stands between the music of different generations of people, a wall often enthusiastically propped up by the people on either side of it. Most often, the two sides are parents and their teenage children. This was not generally the case for me; my parents were tolerant of most of what I listened to, and I either simply wasn't interested in hearing their music or they were playing Stomach Churning, slide-guitar oozing redneck country hoedown shit. Which, as you may have guessed, I am not a fan of. This is not to say I dislike all country music, just much of it.
Where was I going? Oh right, Pink Floyd. I can't say I've never heard their music before, because that would make me a liar. What I can say is that I heard one of their songs recently and somthing clicked. Pink Floyd is totally awesome. I grabbed Dark Side of the Moon the other day and I fucking love it. It kind of makes me wonder what else my parents generation has hiding back there.

Curling

2005-04-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

Watched about 6 hrs of curling last night... it was fun, but probably a little much. I was exausted by the end of it, and missed my gal. The Scottish fans were totally awesome.

Isn't this annoying?

2005-03-31T12:46:00.000-08:00

I wish I owned my own cat, and I wish said cat would get excited and do this.

I love cats.
Just what is this cat thinking? Is there a bird outside the window? Did Timmy fall down a well? Did Timmy fart? I just don't know.

Advance Wars DS!

2005-03-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

A release date for Advance Wars DS in Japan was just announced. June, the end of June. I smell Importation.

Passage from 'Life of Pi'

2005-03-29T16:06:00.000-08:00

I really love this book. This paragraph made me laugh aloud on the bus.

"When an animal decides to do something, it can do it for a very long time. All morning the hyena ran in circles going 'yip yip yip yip yip'. Once in a while it briefly stopped at the stern bench, but otherwise every lap was identical to the previous one, with no variations in movement, in speed, in the pitch or the volume of the yipping, in the counter-clockwise direction of travel. Its yipping was shrill and annoying in the extreme. It became so tedious and draining to watch that I eventually turned my head to the side, trying to keep guard with the corner of my eyes. Even the zebra, which at first snorted each time the hyena raced by its head, fell into a stupor."

I really love this book.

REVIEW: Timesplitters: Future Perfect

2005-03-29T12:29:00.000-08:00

Free Radical Brings us another does of polished first-person shooter mayhem in Timesplitters: Future Perfect. The third game in the series, FP continues to build on the strength of the earlier games in the series by adding even more characters, multiplayer modes than the previous incarnations. Online play has been added for PS2 and Xbox owners, a very welcome addition.
These improved features add a great deal, but only for those interested in multiplayer. The single player campaign is notably lacking in both challenge and length. This is compensated for by a single player challenge mode that rewards you with new gameplay features as you progress. While it doesn’t affect gameplay, the stable of time travel related one liners continuously spouted by the characters is extremely stale the third time around. FP is endlessly fun assuming you have someone to share it with.

REVIEW: Retro Atari

2005-03-29T11:58:00.000-08:00

Collections of retro games have been flooding the market in recent years, with varying degrees of quality and equally varying degrees of success. The quality of a collection such as this depends very strongly on the caliber of the games included, and on their accurate emulation. Retro Atari starts with ten of the most popular games from the early history of videogames, such as Pong and Missile Command, but ends up with something that doesn’t really live up to the legacy of the titles included.
The developers at Atari did their best to take advantage of the control options presented by the DS’ touch-screen, ending up with unintuitive interfaces for most of the games, and passable control for the rest. Though the touch screen is quite usable for many games, retro collections don’t seem to fall into that category. To further the retro theme of this package, Atari also included ’remixed’ versions of each game: graphically retouched versions crafted by well-known graffiti artists. While some of these ‘remixes’ do add a certain flair, the visual clutter is so excessive as to render many of the games unplayable.
Finally, the omission of a single cartridge multiplayer mode is extremely disappointing. Given the simplistic nature of these games, it is obvious that this choice was limited by money rather than technology.

Worlds greatest Videogame

2005-03-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

Katamari Damacy, without a doubt!
Phenominally creative game design, pretty and original graphics and most importantly it's a total blast. Can't wait for the sequel.
I just went out and got KD today, I can hardly believe I didn't own it until now. Borrowing it was no longer cutting it. I also like to think that I'm encouraging the developers by dropping my pennies into their pockets.

Life of Pi

2005-03-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

"Another man was nabbed in the process of stealing a cobra. He was a snake charmer who's own snake had died. Both were saved: the cobra from a life of servitude and bad music, and the man from a possible death bite."
---Yann Martel, 'Life of Pi' (Best. Book. EVAR.)

REVIEW-Star Fox: Assault

2005-03-27T11:55:00.000-08:00

The original Star Fox was a succsess on the Super Nintendo thanks to it's combination of excellent gameplay design and it's groundbreaking use of 3D graphics. Star Fox 64 followed years later on the Nintendo 64 and was greeted with a mixed reception. The game did everything the first did, as well as add multiplayer, but brought very little new to the table. Here we are with the third proper game in the series, with very little difference in gameplay. The requisite graphical updates are in place, as are the new levels, but I could not help feeling like I was playing somthing I had played years earlier. Though it's true that the game is fun, it offers little to those who have done it before. By recycling its old games, Nintendo seems to be relying in younger audinces who may not have played the titles before to pay their bills. In the process they manage to alienate their older audiences, who tend to move on to other platforms because of this.
Overall Star Fox Assaut is not a bad game. Nostalgia alone is not enough reason to buy this game however, and it offers little to the experienced gamer. The voiceovers on the other hand, are reason enough to stay away.

Blake & Jon Vs. Evil Kyle

2005-03-27T11:34:00.000-08:00

A shot of the poster from my new action flick, its gonna be soo awesome

MY GOD!

2005-03-27T11:06:00.000-08:00

I almost destroyed my blog trying to change the background. HTML is a scary thing sometimes....

I love females

2005-03-27T10:50:00.000-08:00

seriously Hot. Tits especially.

my nemesis

2005-03-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

Threatening eh? Thats my rival.

2005-03-24T17:31:00.000-08:00

Here is a pic I took. I love fucking springtime.

Damn-acy!

2005-03-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

It's really nice out

2005-03-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

I love the sunshine, and I love to be outside in this weather. I spent an hour just enjoying it today. It was nice. I took photos of flowers. Hopefully some turned out, then I can post them for all to enjoy.

Trevor's Blog is Up

2005-03-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

Well, Trevor has started his blog. I don't know what to say, other than he's totally gonna get wiped up when I figure out how to put pictures in my posts. ;)

...THIS JUST IN...

2005-03-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

Trevor Records potential blog is no good. Will update situation if proposed boring blog becomes real.

Things are good

2005-03-23T12:39:00.000-08:00

things are generally good today... lots of homework to do, any minute now! Will update on how the homework goes.

K, on second thought...

2005-03-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

Go now and listen to the first half of Daft Punks new CD. Seriously, its a good half an album.

The rest? Shit.

*I reserve the right to further modify my judgement of this Album upon future whimsy or further listenings, so there.

Who am I?

2005-03-22T15:17:00.000-08:00

"Blake, Son of Wayne,
Keeper of the Blade Olympia....."

Well, reluctant college student for starters. Studying English, which I hope to speak fluently one day. Music fan, videogame junkie. Deeply in love with a very special girl.
In a nutshell I suppose.
I'll get a pic up soon.

Daft Punk: Human After All

2005-03-22T15:08:00.000-08:00

Seriously, go listen. The first three tracks are phenominal.... or see the video for 'Robot Rock' at www.daftpunk.com
These guys really know what they're doing, and they certanly don't fuck around when they release a CD.

Wellllcome!

2005-03-22T15:05:00.000-08:00

First Post, how exciting! I'm not really comfortable with other people reading about my life, so stop now please.